The Shittiest Christmas Market in the World – Literally!

Mercado de
Navidad

Plaza Mayor,
Metro Sol/Opera

Until the 7^th
of January 2008, every day from 10:00 to 22:00

Every MAP reader who
has been living in Madrid for more than a year and has therefore lived to see
the traditional Christmas market in Plaza Mayor will agree that it is,
by far, the most bizarre and inappropriate seasonal market ever. And that’s
because Spain
nurtures some pretty bizarre and inappropriate traditions this time of the
year. Hence the deficating nativity figures and Halloween-like wigs
and masks.

Although it’s supposed to be inoffensive
to the Catholic church, to the famous people involved, and to the tradition of nativity scenes, an unsettling
feeling will creep up on you once you study the nativity figures on offer in
Plaza Mayor. Because, errr, are those little traditional Catalan-dressed
farmers actually squatting with their pants down and producing a poo? Yes, they are. Most of them are even reading a
newspaper or smoking a pipe while doing the deed, If you want to buy one ask for a “Caganer”, or
“Cagon” (a crapper, basically).

And they are not just
farmer-figures (although as far as I know those are the only ones for sale in
the market), but can also be shaped like, say, Bush, Queen Sofia, Aznar, Buddha or virtually any football
player for that matter. Your newly acquired crib-member could represent the fertility
of the earth for the new year or it could just mock presidents, queens
and anybody else caught with his pants
down or her skirt up.

Cataluna swears that a
caganer should be seen as an honor and a homage to the person depicted, and I
suspect this must have something to do with catalan humour. Others say it is a reminder
of the fact that each and every one of us has the same basic needs after all.
Whatever the real reason for putting a farmer in need in your house, I bet that
from now on you will not be able to pass a belen (nativity scene) without
looking for uncovered buttocks and a small heap hidden in the bushes.

That leaves the wigs
and masks and they make up for more than half the offerings. Only if
you are aware that Christmas lasts two weeks – from December 24 to January 6 -
and that it therefore includes the 28^th of December, might you
understand why wigs and masks are considered to be a seasonal accessory.

The 28^th is
the Dia de los Santos Inocentes (Massacre of the Innocents) or the day that
King Herod ordered the killing of every male baby in Bethlehem after learning from the Three Kings
that one of them would remove him from his throne. Somehow, the Spanish, who
used to be so devoutly Catholic, have managed to turn this day into a
slightly overdue April Fools’ Day: a time for practical jokes that can go
unpunished because the pranksters are “innocent”, just like those babes. It’s a
good day to mistrust every article or story that appears in the media – a
republican newspaper spreading rumours that the King is about to abdicate or reports
of hundreds of ostriches invading a village because the truck that carried them
broke down, for example. Just to be safe, mistrust everybody this day. Spanish who have less talent for these more subtle jokes buy a wig or a mask.
Works just as well and there are plenty of them on Plaza Mayor.

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